Your 20s are the time to find yourself. At least that’s what people tell me. It’s your 20s when you go a bit wild at uni and do things you regret. It’s your 20s when you move to loads of different places. It your 20s when you Jack it all in and travel the world. It’s your 20s when you find your dream career. It’s your 20s when you work out what makes you tick and what being you is really all about.
I became a mother at the age of 22. To twins, no less. So this is where I ask you: how do you find yourself when your life revolves around someone else?
Since becoming a mum I have gained so much. But I also feel as though I’ve lost a lot, especially of myself. I don’t know who I am without my children because that version of me doesn’t really seem to exist these days. I have lost so much confidence in myself and who I am and I don’t feel right without a baby in my arms. My babies have become my security blanket. I actually feel nervous to go out without the girls, if I walk in to a room on my own I feel uncomfortable, like a huge part of me is missing.
I guess it’s because for the last almost 11 months I’ve always had a baby attached to my hip or my boob. I have forgotten what is like to be without them.
I have forgotten what it is like to just be me. To just be “Kate” and not “mummy”.
Of course they go to bed but by that time I have a list of jobs as long as my arm that didn’t get done during the day and I’m just so utterly exhausted. Even if I could muster the energy to go out, the aforementioned anxiety always stops me.
I feel like I have nothing to talk about and no way to connect with other people. I don’t want to always talk about my babies but at the moment I just struggle to find anything else to talk about.
I used to love make up, clothes and fashion. But I currently have neither the time not the money to keep up with those hobbies (nor much of a reason to wear anything but pjs). I used to love running but again I feel so exhausted by the end of the day. I used to enjoy baking but even that feels like a chore now. I love to travel but cannot afford to make it a reality right now.
When the girls were born I gave myself a year. A year to focus on them and not worry about myself. A year until I forced myself to “get back out there”. To start exercising and enjoying hobbies and becoming me again. Well in 6 weeks it’ll be a year and it’s time to start searching for me amongst the rubble of the life bomb that is twins.
The girls are going to start relying on me a lot less and hopefully with the move I’ll have babysitters every now and then. So it’s time to start “finding myself” whatever that may involve. Who knows, maybe I’ll document this all on my blog.
It’s important to note, of course, that whilst I look for myself I always know that my identity is primarily rooted in Christ and everything else is just secondary. But I still need to be me and have a bit of a life on this mission God has me on!
Time to start looking.